Kiss my back again, darling!

You think
That my heart is broken
That I can’t trust anyone
That I don't allow u to get closer
Because I’m scared and hurt.

But, when u are not looking
I look at you
And I’m thinking:
That’s my husband,
My heart’s chosen,
The one.

Then, after a few seconds
I go back to myself
I pretend to be reading
Or drinking my beer
Or watching TV,
As if the world depended on it.

I daydream
But I never tell u.
what I’m thinking:
Waiting for u to notice
And wanting to say
What the fuck?, let’s do it.

I take out my white dress
Tickets to the Seychelles
I hold your hand and close my eyes
And I’m thinking:
Here we go again
This time it’s going to be perfect
He won’t let me down.

It’s something I allow myself to do
When nobody is looking
Like picking my nose
Or cutting my toenails
Or waxing my armpits.

I need to stop
And that’s why I do stupid things
I might pick a fight with u
I might go and fuck somebody else
Just to feel safe.

I pretend to be scared
When u touch my heart
So u can be quiet
So u can’t notice, than I’m melting.
So I can put myself together and say, “that’s scary”.

It's during those moments during the night
when u rub my back, 'cause I can't sleep
when u calm me down if I'm upset
when I think of u kneeling down in a parking lot
and I notice that I'm smiling with Bach.
(such beautiful music for those in love)

I allow myself, since you're not looking
to open my heart a little bit
I stop thinking and I wonder:
he could be
he can be
he is.

But then, something happens outside
a bird chirps
a butterfly moves
and I go back to my habitual cynicism
drinking coffee
reading something stupid,
just ignoring u.

It takes two to tango,
we move slowly, because u are clumsy
and 'cause I'm tired,
but i feel your fingers drawing promises
on my back, as u kiss me.

Suddenly, I'm quiet
everything is silent
I move towards you,
smelling your body
thinking: I'm home.